I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
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Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
The morning after pill, but for tweets
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it