Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
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Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured