Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
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Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Does your wife know you’re single?
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Cake!!
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Awwwww shit.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.