Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
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How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.