I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
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My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
My ideal weight is five million dollars
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow