DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
You Might Also Like
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.