Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
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A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.