Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
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I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
hmmm
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool