โDid he just do that by himself?โ ๐น ๐ ๐
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man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: Itโd be great to make decent money doing something Iโm proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her โThatโs not daddy under the blanket. Thatโs just a big lump.โ
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, โBrad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Kiโ
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Just know that when I say โthe other dayโ I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying weโre destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each otherโs shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a โconversation,โ you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing