I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
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muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either