So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
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Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Tammy is short for Tamuel
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.