Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
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I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Can. I. Help. You.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.