The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
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Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My plans: 2020:
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.