My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
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GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
peak technology
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
True freaking story!
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea