In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
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My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I love you…
…r dog.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.