*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
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I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!