Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
You Might Also Like
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Customize Your Wedding.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…