“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
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“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.