When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
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Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake