I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
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[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
How animals would run if they were human
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.