I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
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Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️