[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
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Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Holy moly
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Mad Max: Furry Road
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter