Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
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The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
when you order from DoorDastardly
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*