My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
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I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that