Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
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The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Seas the day!!!!
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.