The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
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Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.