Not recommended for beginners.
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SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I have a new favorite meme page
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Just a reminder, folks:
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.