[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
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I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Cool shirt 🙂
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.