me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
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Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.