First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
You Might Also Like
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close