[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
You Might Also Like
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial