How about daylight saves us for once
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I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
There’s only one good girl here!
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.