sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
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My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better