STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
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[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.