The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
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person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Free him
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.