Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
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TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.