Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
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I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Maths meets science
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.