My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
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genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I don’t think my car can fly
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.