That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
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[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty