I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
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[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (