Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
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What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Taliband
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.