[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
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[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me