Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
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*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”