Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
A double negative is a big no-no.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
12653.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.