him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
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[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.