Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
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My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.