Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
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Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
boat question
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.