I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
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I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah