Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
You Might Also Like
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.