DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
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*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.